More Than Fine

In September, my biggest fear during my married years was realized when my former husband accidentally overdosed on an anesthesia drug he had taken from his workplace. During the course of our marriage I learned more than I ever wanted to about addiction. I discovered that without true healing an addict will jump from one vice to another.....give up drinking then steal the pills you use for pain or give up drinking and pick up smoking and overeating.  I also learned that trusting your gut feeling about people's overuse of anything is vitally important. I have never doubted that Chris loved me and that he was a good person, but he hurt me in innumerable ways by lying or taking his unhappiness out on me.

On September 23 I received a call from my stepdaughter Phoebe....a call that I almost expected....her dad was dead...she was in tears. It was a surreal moment. All of the years of hoping for a miracle, all of the pleas I made for pastors, counselors, friends, etc to help him, all of the years of pleading with HIM to help himself, all of the appointments, the group meetings, the family therapy....all of my mistakes and frustration...all of it met in this one moment. Addiction won. With his death I gained a huge responsibility. For four years I was the keeper of the memories, the photographs, the stories of our time together as a family. These four years were the most active ones with his daughter. He shared many thoughts about her and hopes for her with me. He shared concerns and fears. It's my responsibility to do what I can to support his daughter now and carry on memories for her. Although our marriage had ended over a year before his death, it still impacted me in ways I didn't expect.

Before I heard the news, I awoke on September 23 and found the silver wedding band he had bought me in Cozumel on our honeymoon. I hadn't seen it in at least a year, but there it was sitting on the bathroom sink. I hadn't known where it was and didn't know what it was doing on the sink.  I slipped it on and looked at my hand for a mere second. This moment struck me hard after I got that call from Phoebe. It turns out that Lydia had found the ring in one of her jewelry boxes and set it out. I don't think this was a coincidence. I felt at that moment that Chris was telling me he finally understood..that he was giving validity to our marriage and telling me I could forgive him and that he had forgiven me. That I was important...that we as a couple were important when we were together.

It was mere days later that I gathered with a group of girlfriends at a local grill, and someone new and fantastic walked into my life. I also don't believe that was a coincidence...but one thing at a time.