I've been trying to write for some time now about my separation from Patrick, but I'm just not in a place where I can do it yet. I was married for just a few months to a man I love and adore. I thought everything was fine. I awoke that morning to the same "I love you's" as every other day, but by that evening he was gone. The finality of his decision was firm. I asked him to come home. He said he was never coming home. The man I loved for his loyalty, kindness, solidarity, and sense of humor was leaving me without a backward glance and with no explanation other than "I can't be married".  My daughter whom he befriended and cared for didn't even get a goodbye. Two days later, on Christmas Day, Lydia and I were on the road to Illinois. We lost so much and this new reality of ours is one we're still trying to accept. I don't awake to sunrises in my beloved Tennessee. Lydia doesn't walk through the doors of her school to be greeted by friends she has known and loved for years. Daily life here in Illinois is difficult both emotionally and physically. The cold is brutal. So many things I have held dear and shared with you on this blog no longer exist. The quality of our lives as tanked. We traded a good school, good job, and a lifestyle we loved for a crappy school, crappy job, and a frozen tundra just so we could be closer to family. Was it a good move? Will it ruin my child?  The fear that comes with parenthood is a real bitch. 

and yet...

We go on. We trudge through each day. We find new beginnings. New hope. New disappointments. At some point I'm sure this hot, raw, and lost feeling will give way to something happier. 

Actually, I'm not sure of that at all, but that's what I'm told from people who have been there. 

In September, my biggest fear during my married years was realized when my former husband accidentally overdosed on an anesthesia drug he had taken from his workplace. During the course of our marriage I learned more than I ever wanted to about addiction. I discovered that without true healing an addict will jump from one vice to another.....give up drinking then steal the pills you use for pain or give up drinking and pick up smoking and overeating.  I also learned that trusting your gut feeling about people's overuse of anything is vitally important. I have never doubted that Chris loved me and that he was a good person, but he hurt me in innumerable ways by lying or taking his unhappiness out on me.

On September 23 I received a call from my stepdaughter Phoebe....a call that I almost expected....her dad was dead...she was in tears. It was a surreal moment. All of the years of hoping for a miracle, all of the pleas I made for pastors, counselors, friends, etc to help him, all of the years of pleading with HIM to help himself, all of the appointments, the group meetings, the family therapy....all of my mistakes and frustration...all of it met in this one moment. Addiction won. With his death I gained a huge responsibility. For four years I was the keeper of the memories, the photographs, the stories of our time together as a family. These four years were the most active ones with his daughter. He shared many thoughts about her and hopes for her with me. He shared concerns and fears. It's my responsibility to do what I can to support his daughter now and carry on memories for her. Although our marriage had ended over a year before his death, it still impacted me in ways I didn't expect.

Before I heard the news, I awoke on September 23 and found the silver wedding band he had bought me in Cozumel on our honeymoon. I hadn't seen it in at least a year, but there it was sitting on the bathroom sink. I hadn't known where it was and didn't know what it was doing on the sink.  I slipped it on and looked at my hand for a mere second. This moment struck me hard after I got that call from Phoebe. It turns out that Lydia had found the ring in one of her jewelry boxes and set it out. I don't think this was a coincidence. I felt at that moment that Chris was telling me he finally understood..that he was giving validity to our marriage and telling me I could forgive him and that he had forgiven me. That I was important...that we as a couple were important when we were together.

It was mere days later that I gathered with a group of girlfriends at a local grill, and someone new and fantastic walked into my life. I also don't believe that was a coincidence...but one thing at a time.