Thursday, January 30, 2014

Redeeming Winter
You can hate winter. You can dream of a warm breezes and the taste of crab legs and a Corona. You can pretend it's summer and paint your toenails Hibiscus. You can fly to Aruba and wear your cute sandals for an entire week, but winter will find you. Even if you're lucky enough to live in a tropical location, there is a soul-winter and it's far worse than sub-zero air temperatures. The question is what will you do to LIVE until you find yourself in a gentler season. Will you have months with no good memories, no experiences, because you chose to hide? I ask myself this question every day. Sometimes my winter is spiritual or emotional, and sometimes it's physical, but either way I battle it and hope I will be proud of myself in the spring.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Small Town Downtown Living
What you're looking at is our new home. I've always wanted to live in a downtown area in a mixed use area like this. Downtown living comes with some unique challenges like parking, walking the dog, and smelling delicious bar food when you're completely broke. 
However, downtown living comes with live music choices on Saturday nights, your cousin's wine bar within walking distance, festivals and parades in summer, and good coffee choices.

I've been trying to write for some time now about my separation from Patrick, but I'm just not in a place where I can do it yet. I was married for just a few months to a man I love and adore. I thought everything was fine. I awoke that morning to the same "I love you's" as every other day, but by that evening he was gone. The finality of his decision was firm. I asked him to come home. He said he was never coming home. The man I loved for his loyalty, kindness, solidarity, and sense of humor was leaving me without a backward glance and with no explanation other than "I can't be married".  My daughter whom he befriended and cared for didn't even get a goodbye. Two days later, on Christmas Day, Lydia and I were on the road to Illinois. We lost so much and this new reality of ours is one we're still trying to accept. I don't awake to sunrises in my beloved Tennessee. Lydia doesn't walk through the doors of her school to be greeted by friends she has known and loved for years. Daily life here in Illinois is difficult both emotionally and physically. The cold is brutal. So many things I have held dear and shared with you on this blog no longer exist. The quality of our lives as tanked. We traded a good school, good job, and a lifestyle we loved for a crappy school, crappy job, and a frozen tundra just so we could be closer to family. Was it a good move? Will it ruin my child?  The fear that comes with parenthood is a real bitch. 

and yet...

We go on. We trudge through each day. We find new beginnings. New hope. New disappointments. At some point I'm sure this hot, raw, and lost feeling will give way to something happier. 
Actually, I'm not sure of that at all, but that's what I'm told from people who have been there. 

Thursday, January 9, 2014